How to Choose a Song to Honor Someone You Have Lost

Día de los Muertos is observed around November 1 and 2, which fall on Sunday and Monday this year. You may be asked to sing at a remembrance gathering around now, or want to sing for someone you miss. Choosing a song for that is different from choosing a single or a set list. You are not trying to impress anyone. You are trying to serve a moment.

This guide is for singers and songwriters choosing music for an ofrenda event, a memorial, an anniversary or a private tribute. It is written with respect for the tradition, and it does not speak for it.

What the tradition is, briefly

UNESCO lists Mexico's Día de los Muertos on its Representative List of the Intangible Cultural Heritage of Humanity, under the name "Indigenous festivity dedicated to the dead." It was inscribed in 2008. As practiced by Indigenous communities in Mexico, UNESCO says, the festivities at the end of October and the start of November commemorate the return to Earth of deceased relatives and loved ones. Families lay flower petals, candles and offerings along the path from the cemetery to their homes, and prepare the dead's favorite dishes for the home shrine and the tomb. UNESCO says the practice fuses pre-Hispanic rites with Catholic feasts.

Music is part of it. The Library of Congress's Folklife Today blog quotes a description from the American Folklife Center's Local Legacies collection. It mentions "elaborately decorated ofrendas (altars), specially prepared foods, and music for the occasion." World History Encyclopedia says families tend graves during the festival and that people sometimes play or enjoy music in the cemeteries.

The mood varies. At a large public festival in Oakland, California, the Library of Congress calls music "a major attraction." The encyclopedia, by contrast, notes that humorous skeleton imagery is rare near people sitting vigil and is not part of the private ceremonies for departed loved ones. Ask which kind of gathering you are singing for before you pick the song.

Why a song, and what we do not know

Songs hold memory. Marfa Public Radio's 2023 Día de los Muertos show took listeners' stories and song dedications for people they had lost, "using songs to help us visit with the memories of those we've lost."

Researchers at Queen's University Belfast reviewed 34 studies of music therapy for people close to someone with a life-limiting illness. Writing in The Conversation, they say music can help create a sense of connection with a loved one who has died and can bring back positive memories. They also say no conclusions could be made on whether music therapy works as bereavement support, because high-quality trials are lacking. So think of a remembrance song as a gift and a ritual, not a treatment.

Decide what the song is for

Each purpose points to a different kind of song, and you can combine them. A short set that begins quietly and ends with something brighter is one way to do it.

• To celebrate a life: something warm and familiar that people can hum along to.
• To comfort: a slower song with room in it, and words that offer rest rather than press on a wound.
• To say something to the person: a song whose words you wish you had said.
• To bring a room together: a simple melody and a repeating chorus that everyone can join.

Start from the person

The ofrenda is built around the person. UNESCO notes that the dead's favorite dishes are prepared and placed around the shrine and the tomb. A song can sit beside the food.

Ask the family what the person loved to hear, which songs played in the kitchen or the car, and which ones they asked for at parties. Everplans' guide to funeral music suggests including a favorite song or hymn, and says music can recall a period of life, celebrate a relationship or carry a message.

If you plan to sing a famous favorite at a gathering, that is one matter. If you plan to record it and share it widely, that is another, because recording and releasing a song written by someone else needs rights that a live performance does not. An original song that you license gives you one clear agreement to work from. Our guide to licensing songs to perform live explains the difference. If you are unsure, ask the venue or a music-licensing professional.

Choose a song you can sing steadily

Funeral-planning guides are frank about this. Funeralwise warns that a singer unfamiliar with funerals may become emotionally involved in the service and be unable to perform, and that grief can overcome even the most professional family singer at unexpected times. Everplans notes that some people may be emotionally overwhelmed at the service, and advises letting loved ones know in advance if you would like them to take part.

None of this is a reason to stay silent. Plan for it.

• Pick a key where the hardest note feels easy. If your voice might shake, go lower. On Starchild you can change the key and tempo live while the song plays.
• Prefer a short melody and a chorus you can sing without thinking.
• Keep it brief. A verse and a chorus, or two, is plenty.
• Practice until the words are automatic. Duck the demo vocal and sing over it, then sing once for a trusted friend, so the first time you feel the full weight is not in front of the room.
• Have a plan B: a friend who can join the chorus, a backing recording, or a short reading you can switch to.

Check the words, the language and the room

Read the lyric aloud, slowly, as if you were saying it to the person. Look for any line that could land badly in that room. If the service is religious, Everplans advises checking your choices with clergy, since traditions can dictate which music is included or left out.

If the song is in a language you do not speak well, ask someone who does to coach you. Funeralwise advises confirming that a singer knows the language or can learn it from a recording and printed words. A song sung with care in a language you know well will usually serve the moment better than one you are still learning.

At a Día de los Muertos event run by a community, ask the organizers what they would like before you choose. The Library of Congress page quotes a description saying that "everyone is impacted by death and can pay tribute to their loved ones." You do not need to belong to a tradition to remember someone. When you sing inside someone else's tradition, let the hosts lead.

Finding a song on Starchild

Describe the feeling in plain words, such as "a gentle song about missing someone, hopeful at the end," or search for a line of lyric you remember. The search understands descriptions, titles, writer names and a lyric line.

Listen to your finalists in different styles and voices before you license one. A spare acoustic version may suit a quiet gathering, and a fuller one a celebration. Song links share with cover art, so you can send two or three to the family and ask which feels right.

Your Starchild license covers performing the song live and using your recording in your own music video and lyric video. Every license comes with a certificate naming the writers, so you can say their names when you introduce the song, and starchild.music/verify checks a license. For a public event, ask the organizer what the venue's licenses cover.

A short checklist

• What is this song for, and who will be in the room?
• Have I asked the family, or the hosts, what they would like?
• Is it in a key I can sing even when my voice is not steady?
• Have I read the words aloud and checked them with the people involved?
• Have I sung it for one trusted listener, and do I have a plan B?

Sources

• UNESCO Intangible Cultural Heritage: Indigenous festivity dedicated to the dead
• Library of Congress, Folklife Today: Photos for Dia de los Muertos Newly Online
• World History Encyclopedia: Day of the Dead
• Marfa Public Radio: For Día de los Muertos, we're remembering those we've lost with a special show
• The Conversation: Music therapy could help manage the pain of bereavement
• Funeralwise: Guide to Choosing a Funeral Singer
• Everplans: How To Choose Music For Your Funeral Or Memorial Service